How low can you go?

​My family is dysfunctional. We are not the most forgiving or forgetting family and we all know how to carry a grudge. I carried a grudge for my mother for most of my life, and still struggle at times. I have learned that the only thing I can do is surrender it all in prayer. That grudge I carried was a bitter root. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:15 I had been carrying this grudge around with me in my heart and it had grown over the years without even realizing it. In my sick mind, I just wanted my mom to hurt like she had hurt me. I thought since I couldn’t make her love me; then I wanted her to hurt too. I’m sure some people that are reading this do not like me very much right now, it’s O.K.; I don’t like who I was then either. I don’t share this with many people out of shame, but I want whoever is reading this to see that God’s grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness can reach even the people who feel they are unreachable and too far gone. 

​For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39 

      We CAN NOT go so low in life that will ever make God turn from us or stop Him from loving us or you. I would like to say that what I did to my mother was my lowest point, but again that would be a lie. I have so many secrets, that my secrets have secrets. Those secrets are one of the weapons that the enemy uses on me in my head.  My head is full of secrets, chaos, confusion, doubt, fear, anxiety, worry, anger, sadness, bitterness, and so much more. In my head, I think I come up with these brilliant plans and ideas that seem to make so much sense, but in reality, I’m wanting to be in control. I am now learning at 35 years old how to give that control to Jesus, because I have seen what happens when He is in control and what happens when I am. When I’m taking control I do the twisted things that I have done to others and myself; it never ends well. The enemy may play in our minds, but Jesus knows our hearts. 

There was no need for anyone to tell him about them, because he himself knew what was in their hearts. John 2:25