Exposing the Dark

And the judgment is based on this fact: God’s light came into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. But those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants. ” (John 3:19-21 NLT)

When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. (Romans 5:6-8 NLT)

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. (Psalms 139:23-24 NLT)

I am a drug addict. I know all about living in the dark. When I was using; the light was a constant threat to me. The light would reveal the truth about how bad I looked, how bloodshot my eyes were, if my pupils would dilate and so much more. I became so paranoid of what the light could and would expose that I would go out in public as little as possible and stayed up at night when the world was asleep.

I had no intention of staying alive when Jesus intervened in my life. I was planning the details of my suicide when he stepped in. I was going to kill myself; never allowing Jesus into my heart. He saved my life when I wanted to take it. I was,”utterly helpless” and hopeless. 

Christ stepped into my life and gave me the death I needed; not the one I wanted. Jesus gave up his life, hung on a cross, paid for my sins by going to tell, and was raised from the dead. I ended up in jail for a couple months where I learned about who He is and who I am. I learned that my debt had been paid by an innocent man and took my punishment.

I am a different person today, but I don’t know that I would give up my life for anyone except a child, even a righteous one. Jesus knows who I am; he didn’t lose track of me in the darkness, no instead he sent in some light. In the darkness of a jail cell; he sent jail ministry women who taught me about Jesus’s love, grace, and forgiveness.

I was really good at being bad. Being good is hard! I struggle daily with past behaviors, addictions, and old ways of thinking. It doesn’t get easier; just some days more manageable than other days. The only thing that keeps me from stepping over those lines that are very blurry to me; Jesus. 

He gives me a standard to live and love by. Wanting to live more like Jesus and love people the way Jesus loves me leads me to constant Self-examination of my heart. I don’t always like what I find, but it’s necessary. Looking at ourselves, our lives, and our choices is never going to be comfortable, but addict or not, we all need to truly examine our hearts and thoughts. He is made perfect in all those weak or dark areas, so let him work in those areas we don’t want exposed.

To Have or To Have Not?

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4: 11-13

I love reading those verses. The world is such a materialistic place; full of devices, toys, new gaming systems every week, and anything you can think of to spend money on. I know because I deal with that every day. I have wants just like others do; kids that see every commercial and start with “I want…” Sadly, it’s getting worse.

Around the holiday season; people can turn into someone they normally aren’t and do things they normally wouldn’t do. I would love to have a new phone, new TV, new games for the kids, new clothes, and a lot more. I have a roof over my families head, food in the kitchen, clothes on their backs, but most important; I woke up this morning.

I have been a thief, liar, and a cheat in the past. I would do whatever I had to; even hurt those I love to keep up with the world. I had no idea what it meant to be content. I am learning today to be content with what I do have because much like Paul; I know how it feels to live with almost nothing or everything. I know what it is to be hungry and to be have a full stomach. I learned what it is to have and have none.

I sit here today with everything that Christ wants me to have; happy to have what He has blessed me with. He has given me what I need to do what He wants me to do in a world full of people doing what THEY want to do. He gives me the best gifts; strength, wisdom, patience, kindness, and GRACE. Grace is God’s undeserved favor. I don’t deserve grace but it is a gift he gives freely; NO STANDING IN LINES ON BLACK FRIDAY TO GET! What would happen if instead of standing in lines for things to buy; the churches had lines of people wanting to get in on God’s grace? What if we swarmed for that like we swarm for the newest IPhone?

Rejection Hurts

Rejection. Hurts. Bad. Praise Jesus He will never reject us! I was on the verge of a break down, and it only took one more thing. There I was in the bathroom at church with tears running down my face. I have been struggling with rejection and never feeling good enough all of my life; I really thought I was getting past it. I thought wrong.

At that moment standing in the bathroom, I wanted to be somebody else, anyone else but me.

The enemy said "see you aren't good enough" "look how ugly you look" "you will never be good enough so you should just stop trying." "You are pathetic; look at you with your bloodshot puffy eyes, gross!" "Look how fat you are; disgusting!"

As I stood there looking in the mirror; I felt like giving in and listening to the lies and believing the manipulation. I really started to believe all these things; again. Here I really thought I was getting past all these feelings. I decided right there I was leaving; I wasn't good enough and I was going to stop trying. It is too hard. So, I left but I could not start my car and drive away.

I began to pray and God reminded me again how much he loves me. He reminded me that the enemy has been planting these ugly seeds since I was young. I felt like I didn’t fit into my family; having the dad who left because maybe I wasn't good enough. In school I wasn't good enough for the same reason; I didn't have the right last name. Then when I began to hang out with a new group of kids, I didn't fit in there either because this time I was too preppy. I never fit in, never felt good enough or bad enough or whatever enough. I just never felt enough. Until I met Jesus! He showed me in so many ways that I am enough. He loves me; NO MATTER WHAT!! It’s such a relief to finally belong somewhere and belong to someone. God reminded me that these were all LIES! He told me I belong there with Him.

I had this overwhelming feeling deep in my soul; I would not give up or give into the lies, not this time.

There are plenty of times when I fall short and times when I believe the lies, but today I was going to lean into my God and let him hold me until I felt strong enough to walk on my own. So I stood up left my car and put one foot in front of the other. I decided right there; no matter how I 'feel' I am choosing to love. I will love myself, I will love others and I will allow God to love me, even though I don't deserve it. This is what makes Him God, He loves me when I'm good, when I'm bad, when I'm ugly and when I give up. His love never changes, it is the same yesterday, today, and　tomorrow!

Hebrews 13 5-6
"I will never fail you. I will never abandon you." So we can say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?"

Hebrew 13 8-9

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.　So do not be attracted by strange, new ideas. Your strength comes from God’s grace, not from rules about food, which don’t help those who follow them.

How low can you go?

​My family is dysfunctional. We are not the most forgiving or forgetting family and we all know how to carry a grudge. I carried a grudge for my mother for most of my life, and still struggle at times. I have learned that the only thing I can do is surrender it all in prayer. That grudge I carried was a bitter root. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:15 I had been carrying this grudge around with me in my heart and it had grown over the years without even realizing it. In my sick mind, I just wanted my mom to hurt like she had hurt me. I thought since I couldn’t make her love me; then I wanted her to hurt too. I’m sure some people that are reading this do not like me very much right now, it’s O.K.; I don’t like who I was then either. I don’t share this with many people out of shame, but I want whoever is reading this to see that God’s grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness can reach even the people who feel they are unreachable and too far gone. 

​For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39 

      We CAN NOT go so low in life that will ever make God turn from us or stop Him from loving us or you. I would like to say that what I did to my mother was my lowest point, but again that would be a lie. I have so many secrets, that my secrets have secrets. Those secrets are one of the weapons that the enemy uses on me in my head.  My head is full of secrets, chaos, confusion, doubt, fear, anxiety, worry, anger, sadness, bitterness, and so much more. In my head, I think I come up with these brilliant plans and ideas that seem to make so much sense, but in reality, I’m wanting to be in control. I am now learning at 35 years old how to give that control to Jesus, because I have seen what happens when He is in control and what happens when I am. When I’m taking control I do the twisted things that I have done to others and myself; it never ends well. The enemy may play in our minds, but Jesus knows our hearts. 

There was no need for anyone to tell him about them, because he himself knew what was in their hearts. John 2:25

Are We Qualified to Judge Another?

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3

Do you know why some of the words in the Bible are red? I didn't, so don't be embarrassed if you don't. They are the words that Jesus spoke. When I first read this verse; I really didn't understand it then, but I do more today. He was talking about pointing out others sins, but not looking at our own. We are all sinners. If we have ever had an angry thought towards someone; you have committed murder according to sin. Every lusted after someone who's married; you've committed adultery. Our thoughts can be sin. Recently, a friend was physically assaulted in her own home by two men. This woman has made bad choices in life, but in no way deserved what happened to her. There is never a good enough reason for two men to go uninvited into a woman's home and do what was done to her. There are people saying that "she should have known" or " deserved what she got because of the way she lives." 

Who are we to judge anyone else? By what standards can we measure what another deserves; our own? I am as guilty as whoever is reading this too. I have judged others so many times. I have gotten good at doing this over the years, because if everyone is looking at what they are doing wrong, nobody is looking at me. I was pointing out others sin; while living in it myself. This woman that some say "deserved it" is the one that would get my laundry out of the dryer so I could go to bed sick, dig through her house at 11pm to help find a band-aid for one of my kids, lend me her blu-ray player when she barely knew me, and gave me food when one month my family almost went without. 

God sees our hearts, and I have to ask myself, "how do I love others the way He loves me?" It's not always an easy thing to do, but I try to be as open about my past and who I was. I remember the whispers that would be said around town about me. I remember the blank smiles as people passed me on the streets. I remember the pain inside that I tried to smile and fake my way thorough. I also remember the people who were willing to get dirty, come into my messy life, and want to love me anyway. I don't want to be one of those people that whispers in the dark; I want to be one that lights up the dark. If we want to be able to love like Jesus does; we have to be willing to really look at the truth in the red words and ask ourselves, "What's in my own eye?" I pray that Jesus continues to speak truth to me and show me the areas where His strength can be demonstrated in my weakness. What would the world look like if we stopped judging and got dirty in someone's messy life by living them instead?

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another" John 13:34 

Welcome :-)

Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30


“My yoke is easy and my burden is light;” does that sound lighter than the load your carrying? For those who didn’t know what “yoke” means; don’t feel bad because neither did I. Harness, collar, and coupling are different ways to say “yoke.” It’s a wooden crosspiece that is fastened over the necks of two animals and attached to the plow or cart that they are to pull. It’s a device used to hook loads up to animals for them to drag around behind them. Can you imagine the load Jesus was carrying as he carried that cross up that hill? He carried literally, the weight of the entire world; do you really think he can’t handle yours? His burden was heavier than we could even imagine, but he’s telling us to give him our heavy load too. Because it’s not a burden to him, he was the only one strong enough to carry our sins; he’s the only one strong enough to carry our baggage.


This blog is being created for exactly that reason; to share the load. We are all carrying around so much; it's too much to bear. Share it. I recently started sharing my story and all the baggage that I carry and have found other people that have been carrying similar loads; convinced of being the only one. I want to create a way to devote our experiences, pasts, life lessons, and all the brokenness to the glory of God. You may be going through a storm that is crashing around you so hard that you think you can't go on, but you can. Sharing stories; we encourage one another in those calms, but more so during the storms. This is a place to support one another, but most importantly draw nearer to the Lord.