Redemption

Chicago

10/2/2018

Have you ever had a moment where you just feel different? Like somethings shifted inside caused by a defining moment. I am sitting here finally writing because of that shift inside me. Recently I filed a lawsuit against my nephew and my sister for a car her son had damaged. He was a few months shy of being a legal adult which left my sister liable. This happened over 16 months ago. My sister helped my daughter Danielle to all her physical therapy appts, so I could sleep in the day and she would take me at 11 at night to work my overnight job. She helped me in the ways she could, but she couldn’t and shouldn’t have had to do it because she wasn’t the one responsible. The person responsible has never made it right. Over this time, I could feel something deep inside me changing in ways that no longer who I was. I was getting bitter and angrier by the day and I didn’t want to let that continue. I filed the lawsuit and as I filled out paperwork I had to fight down vomit and control my shaking to write. I felt such disgust with myself but deep inside I felt like I was supposed to. Times gone on and a TV Judge Show in Chicago contacts us and after a lot of hesitation we both agreed. Sara and I would go on the show and my prayer was this was a way to resolve the problem without making her pay for something her son had done. If my case won, the show would pay what she owes. I got to Chicago earlier that day and as I sat in that empty hotel room completely overwhelmed by all the huge buildings and so many people all moving so fast I prayed. I then asked my sister to go hang out and check out Navy Pier. I had a blast with her. We saw some cool stuff, we talked, and I caught so many new Pokémon. It was win in my eyes. We went to our own hotels and didn’t see each other till court. My sister never wanted me to lose. She wanted me to be able to have a car again and she knows she can’t afford to pay me either. We both just wanted closure. That Judge was so unprofessional and treated us both with no respect at all. He made jokes and told stories about Omaha having homeless after me explaining being in a homeless shelter. He then treated my sister with just horrific ignorance making jokes about slurring words which she never one time did. It was horrific. He never looked at one piece of evidence nor did he let either of finish speaking and slammed the gavel and dismissed the case. I was told by the producer I had a solid case several times and trusted that to dismiss my case in a real court here. I just wanted it over, peace in my family and be able to get to work reliably everyday without having to stand in the dark at 5am on one of worst streets in Omaha to get to work on time. I wanted to be there for things like my kids’ soccer games. I wanted my daughter to be successful in her job and not have to take buses at 11pm to North Omaha by herself. Be there when my grandchildren were born. That Judge cared more about the reaction he got from the audience and the jokes he made when his bailiff took his phone out to calculate what 7x77 was when I explained that I forgave my nephew because if Jesus could forgive someone like me then I can forgive him for wrecking my car. After the show I was told the producer would talk to his boss and get back to me. Rushed out of their wardrobe car and rushed to a car to take me to the airport. I should be livid right now. Well not going to lie kind of pissed. However, there’s something bigger in there that shifted. I didn’t get to replace a vehicle or have the money to move back to Lincoln, but I got something priceless instead. I got to hang out with my little sister in a way that never in our lives have we been able to. No matter how anyone else would see it the way I see it whatever the enemy means for bad God can and will use for good. It brought some healing where division was winning out.

Jesus Died For Me So I Want To Live For Him

Jesus Died For Me So I Want To Live For Him


Boxes, Storage Unit, U-Haul....The Mission. All this brings me back to the day of my baptism. 

The day of my baptism I was asked "Why are you being baptised today?" My answer still holds true..If Jesus died for me then I want to live for him. I spent a good part of Friday arguing with God; laughable, I know. I begged Him "please take this from me," "Lord, please don't make me go through with this." However; His answer stands. Tuesday I am taking my family to the Mission to stay until I find us a house. I'm terrified. I don't know what this will lead to but I hold onto the promise...Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV I so wish the right house would just fall into my lap and with Jesus all things are possible, but I feel like there is more that needs to be done before the right house comes along. I made a mess and now it's time for it to be cleaned up. Things in my life could have been handled very differently and I could have made better choices but those choices were made and here I am. I have a fear of what people will think of me.."Is she using again?" "Did she mess up?" "Am I failing my kids?" I fear what man will think and the truth is that the only persons opinion of my life that truly matter is Jesus and its my job to remember that and walk with Him through all of this. Jesus prayed so hard that He shed tears of blood asking to have what was to come taken from Him and the answer held and He walked in obedience and suffered, died, went to hell, and was raised from death for me. I say me because I have learned that He died and rose for us all but would have still gone through with it if it were still only for me because that's how much He loves me and you. Yes, I'm scared..however I have faith. I don't like sharing things like this about myself but in the past few months I have learned there are so many going through struggles that they don't want the world to see out of fear. Paul openly talked about his struggles and today I stand comforted knowing I am not alone so I'm writing this to the ones that are going thought it; your not alone either and we can be assured that Jesus will never leave us and Jesus will never forsake us.

Are they servants of Christ? I know I sound like a madman, but I have served him far more! I have worked harder, been put in prison more often, been whipped times without number, and faced death again and again. 24Five different times the Jewish leaders gave me thirty-nine lashes.Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea.I have traveled on many long journeys. I have faced danger from rivers and from robbers. I have faced danger from my own people, the Jews, as well as from the Gentiles. I have faced danger in the cities, in the deserts, and on the seas. And I have faced danger from men who claim to be believers but are not.I have worked hard and long, enduring many sleepless nights. I have been hungry and thirsty and have often gone without food. I have shivered in the cold, without enough clothing to keep me warm. 2 Corinthians 11:23-27

Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane,and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.”He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled.Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter.“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” Matthew 26:36-46

What will you choose?

Making decisions is kind of like driving. We stop at the major intersections but most of the time we drive right through the minor intersections and we don't give it a second thought. My life is so much safer when I slow down and take the time to look both ways.

Often times when we have major life events we will cry out to God, but we forget to include Him in our minor decisions. I believe God wants to be involved in even the smallest decisions. If we can slow down enough to involve God in our day to day life, I know He will never fail us.

Ultimately, it’s all the small choices that bring us to the big ones and then the big ones lead us to our final destination. You have a choice to make at every intersection in life. Are you going to turn left, right or go straight? Are you going to slow down and look or are you going to blow through the intersections and hope you arrive at your final destination safely?

When I slow down and ask God which way to go, I have a decision to make. Am I going to slow down and listen? Am I going be patient and believe that His timing is perfect? It's usually during the waiting and being still that I have the hardest time. During the waiting I am the most distracted. During the waiting I am anxious and overwhelmed. During the waiting I am and weak and I have to work hard to remember what God says to us in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." This might sound good and it might look good on paper but when it comes time to live it, it's not always easy.

When we come to an intersection we have 3 choices; left, right or straight. We can also choose to slow down or we can choose to blow right through. In life, I believe that once we come to an intersection, no matter how big or small, we have three choices.

1. We can pray and ask God what his will is. Then we have to wait patiently for His perfect answer and be obedient.

2. We can pray and ask God what his will is. Then we become impatient and wrestle with his answer causing us discomfort.

3. We can leave God out or forget to ask Him and blow right through the intersection.

When we choose option one we have to be ready to press into God while we wait.This can be hard and I can be almost certain that there will be distractions. We may become impatient and feel out of control but we have to remember, when we are weak He is strong. It's ok if we feel out of control because that means He is in control! While we are waiting for His answer we need to take time to be still and listen and we have to take time to press into God. Pressing into God can be as easy as asking for His eyes to read your Bible. Ask for His ears while you listen to worship music or sermons. Keep praying and ask other around you to be praying as well. Finally, when you do hear him, GIVE THANKS!! 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 says, "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."

If you choose the second option and ask God but then become impatient or distracted and wrestle with God, you will end up very uncomfortable. Do you remember what happened to Jacob in Genesis 32? He wrestled with God and ended up with a walking away with a sore hip.

If you choose the third option and lean on your own understanding eventually things will fall apart. Things may seem ok for a while and you may feel like you have everything under control but the time will come when you blow through the wrong intersection and get into an accident. I pray that you only end up in a minor fender bender that opens your eyes and shows you to slow down and seek Gods will. Proverbs 3: 5-7, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take. Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom."

So before you make another decision ask yourself these questions. Are you going seek Gods will and give Him control? Are you going to wrestle with God and limp away from the discussion? Or are you going to continue to do things your way and risk getting into accident after accident?

I can promise you this, God will never force His way into your life nor will He force His will upon you. What God will do is wait patiently, with arms wide open until you choose Him.

The choice is yours!

Exposing the Dark

And the judgment is based on this fact: God’s light came into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. But those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants. ” (John 3:19-21 NLT)

When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. (Romans 5:6-8 NLT)

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. (Psalms 139:23-24 NLT)

I am a drug addict. I know all about living in the dark. When I was using; the light was a constant threat to me. The light would reveal the truth about how bad I looked, how bloodshot my eyes were, if my pupils would dilate and so much more. I became so paranoid of what the light could and would expose that I would go out in public as little as possible and stayed up at night when the world was asleep.

I had no intention of staying alive when Jesus intervened in my life. I was planning the details of my suicide when he stepped in. I was going to kill myself; never allowing Jesus into my heart. He saved my life when I wanted to take it. I was,”utterly helpless” and hopeless. 

Christ stepped into my life and gave me the death I needed; not the one I wanted. Jesus gave up his life, hung on a cross, paid for my sins by going to tell, and was raised from the dead. I ended up in jail for a couple months where I learned about who He is and who I am. I learned that my debt had been paid by an innocent man and took my punishment.

I am a different person today, but I don’t know that I would give up my life for anyone except a child, even a righteous one. Jesus knows who I am; he didn’t lose track of me in the darkness, no instead he sent in some light. In the darkness of a jail cell; he sent jail ministry women who taught me about Jesus’s love, grace, and forgiveness.

I was really good at being bad. Being good is hard! I struggle daily with past behaviors, addictions, and old ways of thinking. It doesn’t get easier; just some days more manageable than other days. The only thing that keeps me from stepping over those lines that are very blurry to me; Jesus. 

He gives me a standard to live and love by. Wanting to live more like Jesus and love people the way Jesus loves me leads me to constant Self-examination of my heart. I don’t always like what I find, but it’s necessary. Looking at ourselves, our lives, and our choices is never going to be comfortable, but addict or not, we all need to truly examine our hearts and thoughts. He is made perfect in all those weak or dark areas, so let him work in those areas we don’t want exposed.

To Have or To Have Not?

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4: 11-13

I love reading those verses. The world is such a materialistic place; full of devices, toys, new gaming systems every week, and anything you can think of to spend money on. I know because I deal with that every day. I have wants just like others do; kids that see every commercial and start with “I want…” Sadly, it’s getting worse.

Around the holiday season; people can turn into someone they normally aren’t and do things they normally wouldn’t do. I would love to have a new phone, new TV, new games for the kids, new clothes, and a lot more. I have a roof over my families head, food in the kitchen, clothes on their backs, but most important; I woke up this morning.

I have been a thief, liar, and a cheat in the past. I would do whatever I had to; even hurt those I love to keep up with the world. I had no idea what it meant to be content. I am learning today to be content with what I do have because much like Paul; I know how it feels to live with almost nothing or everything. I know what it is to be hungry and to be have a full stomach. I learned what it is to have and have none.

I sit here today with everything that Christ wants me to have; happy to have what He has blessed me with. He has given me what I need to do what He wants me to do in a world full of people doing what THEY want to do. He gives me the best gifts; strength, wisdom, patience, kindness, and GRACE. Grace is God’s undeserved favor. I don’t deserve grace but it is a gift he gives freely; NO STANDING IN LINES ON BLACK FRIDAY TO GET! What would happen if instead of standing in lines for things to buy; the churches had lines of people wanting to get in on God’s grace? What if we swarmed for that like we swarm for the newest IPhone?

Rejection Hurts

Rejection. Hurts. Bad. Praise Jesus He will never reject us! I was on the verge of a break down, and it only took one more thing. There I was in the bathroom at church with tears running down my face. I have been struggling with rejection and never feeling good enough all of my life; I really thought I was getting past it. I thought wrong.

At that moment standing in the bathroom, I wanted to be somebody else, anyone else but me.

The enemy said "see you aren't good enough" "look how ugly you look" "you will never be good enough so you should just stop trying." "You are pathetic; look at you with your bloodshot puffy eyes, gross!" "Look how fat you are; disgusting!"

As I stood there looking in the mirror; I felt like giving in and listening to the lies and believing the manipulation. I really started to believe all these things; again. Here I really thought I was getting past all these feelings. I decided right there I was leaving; I wasn't good enough and I was going to stop trying. It is too hard. So, I left but I could not start my car and drive away.

I began to pray and God reminded me again how much he loves me. He reminded me that the enemy has been planting these ugly seeds since I was young. I felt like I didn’t fit into my family; having the dad who left because maybe I wasn't good enough. In school I wasn't good enough for the same reason; I didn't have the right last name. Then when I began to hang out with a new group of kids, I didn't fit in there either because this time I was too preppy. I never fit in, never felt good enough or bad enough or whatever enough. I just never felt enough. Until I met Jesus! He showed me in so many ways that I am enough. He loves me; NO MATTER WHAT!! It’s such a relief to finally belong somewhere and belong to someone. God reminded me that these were all LIES! He told me I belong there with Him.

I had this overwhelming feeling deep in my soul; I would not give up or give into the lies, not this time.

There are plenty of times when I fall short and times when I believe the lies, but today I was going to lean into my God and let him hold me until I felt strong enough to walk on my own. So I stood up left my car and put one foot in front of the other. I decided right there; no matter how I 'feel' I am choosing to love. I will love myself, I will love others and I will allow God to love me, even though I don't deserve it. This is what makes Him God, He loves me when I'm good, when I'm bad, when I'm ugly and when I give up. His love never changes, it is the same yesterday, today, and　tomorrow!

Hebrews 13 5-6
"I will never fail you. I will never abandon you." So we can say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?"

Hebrew 13 8-9

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.　So do not be attracted by strange, new ideas. Your strength comes from God’s grace, not from rules about food, which don’t help those who follow them.

How low can you go?

​My family is dysfunctional. We are not the most forgiving or forgetting family and we all know how to carry a grudge. I carried a grudge for my mother for most of my life, and still struggle at times. I have learned that the only thing I can do is surrender it all in prayer. That grudge I carried was a bitter root. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:15 I had been carrying this grudge around with me in my heart and it had grown over the years without even realizing it. In my sick mind, I just wanted my mom to hurt like she had hurt me. I thought since I couldn’t make her love me; then I wanted her to hurt too. I’m sure some people that are reading this do not like me very much right now, it’s O.K.; I don’t like who I was then either. I don’t share this with many people out of shame, but I want whoever is reading this to see that God’s grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness can reach even the people who feel they are unreachable and too far gone. 

​For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39 

      We CAN NOT go so low in life that will ever make God turn from us or stop Him from loving us or you. I would like to say that what I did to my mother was my lowest point, but again that would be a lie. I have so many secrets, that my secrets have secrets. Those secrets are one of the weapons that the enemy uses on me in my head.  My head is full of secrets, chaos, confusion, doubt, fear, anxiety, worry, anger, sadness, bitterness, and so much more. In my head, I think I come up with these brilliant plans and ideas that seem to make so much sense, but in reality, I’m wanting to be in control. I am now learning at 35 years old how to give that control to Jesus, because I have seen what happens when He is in control and what happens when I am. When I’m taking control I do the twisted things that I have done to others and myself; it never ends well. The enemy may play in our minds, but Jesus knows our hearts. 

There was no need for anyone to tell him about them, because he himself knew what was in their hearts. John 2:25